Bored While Driving

For the last several weeks I have been commuting from my home near Madison four and half hours north to the city of Minneapolis. The only saving grace of all this driving is the fact I have satellite radio and don’t need to constantly switch playlists or hunt down radio stations en-route to the Twin Cities. Last week was my last full week up there for this contract and on the ride home I think I finally cracked.


Anyone who knows me, knows I love a good joke. More importantly, I love a bad joke. The punnier the better. The more awkward, the more I dig it. Well, I also love 80’s music, mostly the alt, punk, and new wave, but even a little pop now and then.

While listening to SiriusXM’s 1st Wave radio (80’s alternative), I heard a few tracks that triggered an onslaught of missed branding opportunities by bands in the 80’s based on either their name or the name of a song or album. For posterity, here they are. I’m not sorry that I’m subjecting you to these.

Why hasn’t Madonna released a line of juniors’ maternity wear named “Papa Don’t Preach”?

Ok, maybe I can see why that wouldn’t have gone well in the 80’s.

There should be a line of tie-dyed faux animal skins called “Psychedelic Furs”.

Surely there was a market for these? Think of how many people wouldn’t need to have paint poured on their fur?

Devo could release a line of leather and latex lingerie called “Whip It”.

I still think they can pull this one off now.

Michael Jackson should have released a line of denim called “Billie Jeans”.

Alas, maybe Paris will do this when she gets older.

How about a haberdashery named “Men Without Hats”.

Honestly, this one sounded better in my head.

U2 can release a line of shirts called “Joshua Tees”.

Or perhaps a line of bedding “Where the Sheets Have No Names”.

Should I stop? I didn’t think so.

Robert Smith should open a chain of gothic pharmacies named “The Cure”.

Bruce Springsteen should open an adoption agency, “Born in the USA”.

Did I say that? Maybe that is pushing it.

Cyndi Lauper needs a line of hair dye named “True Colors”.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers could release a line of post-maternity wear, “Mother’s Milk”.

“Faith” by George Michael could be a line of evangelical churches next door to “I Want Your Sex,” an escort business for the pastors.

Definitely pushing the envelope, but I couldn’t help myself.

Concrete Blonde could have a pet store that only sells baby kangaroos, “Joey”.

Men Without Hats release a line of equipment for ballerinas named “Safety Dance”.

Tommy Tutone opens a chain of graffiti removal specialists called “Jenny”, the number to call is 867-5309.

“Dancing in the Sheets” is a bedroom line by David Bowie and Mick Jagger.

Echo and the Bunnymen release artificial sweetener packets in the shapes of mouths, “Lips like Sugar”.

Thank you for playing along.